Sunday, January 04, 2009

The anxiety that drives me

When I was seventeen years old, I remember feeling rather anxious about this idea I had that I was not going to have enough time to achieve much as an artist or even as a person. I don't know where the idea came from, really. Perhaps I was asking too much of myself at such a young age. What managed to calm me down was the thought that when I reached the age of 34 (twice my age at the time) I would still have time to fulfill my artistic needs and desires. That's a rather simplistic and dull conclusion, but it worked for me at the time. But still to this day, I think I suffer from some sort of anxiety. It's hard to explain, but ultimately it comes down to the idea that I can't let up at any moment. I can't let my guard down, ever. And even when I achieve some sort of success, I still won't be able to conform to anything. You can't really believe when people tell you how great they think you are. Every compliment needs to be taken with a grain of salt, because the second you start believing all that is when you stop asking a lot of yourself. I mean, this is a fucking fight; it's all or nothing. Nevertheless, there are moments of incredible joy and satisfaction. There has to be. If not, why are we here?

I consider myself a handicap person in the sense that I sometimes assume that everyone that works with me in a creative situation has this same sense of drive. It's really frustrating and even heartbreaking when I realize that that is not the case. I try to always remember that talent is part of the equation, but so is relentless hard work. I don't consider myself better than anyone, but I do try harder than most people. That's really all I can do. To take something that you love so much, and stretch yourself beyond your means to achieve something incredible and awe inspiring, something that will quite possibly overwhelm anyone and everyone that comes across it- can we strive for anything else? I don't think so. The sky is the limit and all we have is now- this day, this moment. That's all we've ever had; that and the dream. I have mine, why don't you go out and seize yours?

(Originally posted on Myspace Feb/12/2007)

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