Friday, May 01, 2009

I stand alone tonight

I don't recall when it began, I just remember it being there inherently since a very early age. I suppose it was one of those things that grew inside me, like a latent virus that doesn't manifest itself until much later. The Hunger. Sure, we all feel it, but some of us are powerless to it. It's like an addiction - your body asks for more than it can take. Pushing it beyond the limit usually results in shame and unnecessary frustration. When did I become this way? When did the flesh overtake the mind? I laugh to myself thinking of all this, because in reality The Hunger tends to provide more pleasure than I care to describe. Perhaps the frustration of no pleasure far outweighs the pleasure itself. And that might be the reason why I find myself writing these words at this ungodly hour - because there is no pleasure tonight, just The Hunger. The Hunger and the lack of words that fail to do justice when attempting to describe it. Tonight there is no pleasure, only failure. Failure to carry out what is in my nature to do. Failure to make contact. Failure to achieve satisfaction. I'm left only with the bitter taste of another unfulfilled evening, in which I try to gather once again the words I want to speak from the air or from the smoke that surrounds me. This air that is filled with the scent of broken promises and those two words I keep reciting over and over like a hollow mantra: Never again. Never again? The last person I should lie to is myself.

I stand amid a crossroads that I must always face on nights like these, nights in which The Hunger calls and I'm compelled to answer. I can either crawl into bed and continue this battle elsewhere, or stay awake facing the hours, hoping that this feeling will subside before the sun rears it's face over the horizon. This is no choice at all, because in reality the only option I have is to feed The Hunger, not run away from it hoping it will forget my name and forget my face. I can't run away, not now. I close my eyes and all I see are those faces that stood beside me on countless nights where stories unfolded before us in a cloud of unapologetic youth and adventure, stories that none of us ever cared to tell anyone else - and rightly so. Countless nights of inconsequential behavior where possibilities seemed endless and pleasure was always acquired without much thought.

And yet nights like tonight are different.

Nights like tonight are breeding grounds for embarrassing realizations, and yet the truth is that with each passing year there is less shame in the victimization of The Hunger. Where are you? We were supposed to fight this together, to share the weight so it would be less of a burden individually. But no, you're not here. I stand alone tonight. I stand alone facing another night of unfulfilled urge and desire. Another night of smoke and poetry, bathed in the sounds of sweet music, that attempt to wither away these empty feelings like old grapes on a vine. I can't seem to escape The Hunger - not without you. Another hour passes and here I am still, staring at my hands in disbelief while my ears listen intently to a cello making the most beautiful sound, while it attempts to comfort me with it's melancholy notes. I'm beyond comforting. All I want is you. Your warm body pressed against mine in an insatiable lust that makes time stand still. An embrace where inhibitions are lost and selfishness is regarded as dead. A shared moment that only belongs to us and stands so still, like the shadows of ghouls in the twilight. 'Where are you?', I ask again. I yearn for your touch. I yearn for something to stop the pain, to dissipate The Hunger. I don't know what to do with myself. Dawn is approaching. Maybe it's better that I hide my eyes from the sunrise, so as to not be faced with the sad truth of another wasted evening with a lack of meaning. I lay on the bed and before I fall asleep, I hear your voice, but it's far too late. I belong to The Hunger now. You couldn't save me from it. You weren't here. You were never here.

I stand alone tonight. Just me and The Hunger.

Photo by Ricardo K

1 comment:

Mayte Kairuz, MFCC said...

HOLY SHIT OMG esto es un brain orgasm por Diossssssss Hombre me matas y me vuelas la cabeza, 2 the point q lo vomito en tu blog wao... wao wao... no words Q BELLEZA d escrito poético Im in love with ur words! I have chills y mi corazón esta en pausa, ufff AMEN 2 U! y no t escribo mas... no puedo lol no more comments from me! t subo mucho el EGO LMAO